My Story: Part Five: Still Growing
Three months had passed: November, December and January. It was now Feb, 2019, time for my MRI. The one that surely would show shrinkage. All that pain had to be for something.
I was also convinced that the tumor would be smaller, because in those months the pain started letting up and I started to reduce my medications.
Cannabis–Better than Morphine
I will say that the best thing for my pain ended up being CBD/THC oil. I saw a cannabis nurse (through a company called Holistic Caring) that I was referred to through my naturopathic doctor. The cannabis nurse, Elizabeth, recommended the specific ratio of 1:1 CBD/THC and told me specifically where to order it because I needed top quality stuff.
So I took it not expecting much. But WOW! This stuff worked. I got more standing power. Now I was able to make my own smoothies now and sit at the dinner table and eat dinner with my family for around 20 minutes or so.
I had over the previous six months smoked marijuana and had taken edibles to help with the pain. And while there was some relief, nothing compared to the cannabis oil (similar to Rick Simpson oil), whether it was the quality of the product or the ratio of CBD to THC or both.
Also, in those three months, I was seeing a Naturopathic doctor, Dr. Reese at Lotus Rain Naturopathic Clinic, who, along with her staff, was amazing. I continued getting high dose Vitamin C and she had me on a supplement regime that I followed. It was pretty similar to the supplements that the Oasis of Hope clinic recommended I keep taking.
I was full of hope for this MRI. I had less pain. I still had the dendritic vaccine in my body. I had the reactive oxygen species (ROS) from radiation in my body doing their thing. I was told they’d work together synergistically. Plus, I was taking 50+ anti-cancer supplements per day, all aimed at boosting my immune system.
The Power of Prayer
I also constantly heard that people were praying for me, actually, multiple congregations praying for me: My Mom and Dad’s church, my grandma and grandpa’s church, my Grammy’s church. It felt good to know that I was being prayed for and I will always count it as a contributing factor in my healing.
I was also praying and praying, hoping God would shrink the tumor. My hope and being able to walk, sit and stand kept me out of the pitch dark though I was still somewhat depressed most nights.
MRI #9 Results
So the first week of February, I got the results of my MRI. The report popped up in my inbox and I couldn’t believe my eyes: 14.1 x 12.0 x 10.7. It was bigger. How? I slipped into uncontrolled sobbing. I went to a dark place in my mind where I believed death to be imminent at this point. This was the lowest of the low for me.
I refused to conceptualize the size of the tumor. I didn’t want to think about anything bigger than a grapefruit eating away at my bones, like pac-man growing bigger and stronger, munching away.
So after I had learned that it was the size of a grapefruit back in June, I stopped. I didn’t want to know. However, in retrospect, I realize the tumor at this point was something between a cantaloupe and a honeydew melon, though of course it’s not symmetrical.
This was my 9th MRI. Every single MRI that I had gotten since that first one showed growth. I was tired of seeing the words “continued significant growth of the destructive mass” in the first line of my reports.
Feeling Like Giving Up
I had done so much, had tried so hard and felt so defeated. I had flown to Brazil to see a healer hoping for a spiritual healing. Instead, all I got was a triple dose of my tumor. Then, I spent $30,000 of money I didn’t even have at the cancer clinic in Tijuana for a dendritic cell vaccine and other treatments that did not work (though they may have slowed the growth). Next, I spent every single reserve of strength getting through 8 weeks of grueling proton beam radiation. Then, I spend hundreds of more dollars on naturopathic appointments, treatments and supplements.
I should also mention that I was doing some major emotional excavation, trying to root out the emotional or psychological reason for having this cancer. I tried EFT, Recall Healing sessions, hours and hours of journaling, hypnotherapy, reiki, etc.
I believe all those things were helpful and enlightening because I learned a lot about myself and what the emotional triggers for disease were. Yet digging up my past emotional traumas was not making the tumor go away. It was STILL GROWING! (In retrospect, I do feel these things were extremely helpful, but at that time, I didn’t realize it.)
Sisters to the Rescue
My sisters, my main support system, came over as they normally did whenever I was in crisis mode. Crying and feeling sorry for myself, lying on the floor in a fetal position I wailed, “I don’t want to die” to which my sister Rachel responded very matter of factly, “we’re all going to die.”
Her words were a much-needed slap in the face that jolted me out of my self-inflicted misery. She was right. We all are going to die. Why was I creating so much drama and suffering over something that afflicted the entire human population? That was the best thing that anyone could have said to me at that time. With that realization, I re-focused, re-centered and re-evaluated.
I had to try something different. There had to be some other way…some other way…some other way. I kept repeating the thought over and over because I knew that it was true. I wasn’t giving up.
Continue to My Story: Part Six